Britney Spears apparently hates looking awesome, seeing her kids

After regaining her figure and being allowed to transport her sons across state lines without a SWAT team escort, you’d think Britney Spears would be happy with her new life. She’s not. In an upcoming documentary Britney: For the Record, she reveals her torment, and also that she saw that Groundhog Day movie once. The Sun reports:

“There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail you know there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day.
“I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening. If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time.
“I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.”

Dear Britney,

I’ve been there. Oh, how I’ve been there. In fact, some days I’m still there. (We’re talking about locking yourself in your own trunk, right?)
Sometimes, when I’m standing in line at Starbucks, I too want to throw my shit at people and yell “Pip pip cheerio, fuckers!” It’s like an itch you have to scratch. Or pour an entire venti mocha on; I’m not a doctor.
But at the end of day, I don’t. And you wanna know why? Let me share with you some words that are dear to my heart and, hopefully, will inspire you in this journey called “life”:
I’m a second striker.

JUMANJI!

The Superficial Writer

Posted in , | No Comments »

Jessica Simpson should go easy on the collagen

To whoever convinced Jessica Simpson all men want to secretly bang Daisy Duck, hardy har har, asshole.

I kid. High five! Do Heidi Montag next.

Posted in , | No Comments »

Robert Pattinson attends the premiere of that movie your little sister won’t stop shrieking about

Robert Pattinson walked the red carpet last night for the world premiere of Twilight where he was reportedly deafened by 50 bajillion screaming teens who thought it’d be cool to scratch their necks all up to simulate a vampire bite. Ha ha. That’s our future, folks. I’m drowning myself in the tub. Us Magazine reports:

“They all just scream at me and now it just kind of feel like my job,” said Pattinson, who joked with MTV News that he’d gone “completely deaf” at the premiere.
Just the other day, Pattinson realized, “there were some girls who had scratched … the side of their necks so [they were] freshly bleeding when they came up to get a signature.
“They were like, ‘We did this for you.’ I didn’t know what to say. ‘Um, thanks guys?’”

Jesus, whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned getting high in your parents basement? If I ever had a daughter and she did something like this, I’d tell her she’s adopted. Of course, later on, I’d have to buy her a pony so she doesn’t stab me in my sleep. See? This parenting thing’s not so tough.

Posted in , | No Comments »

Indian navy sinks suspected pirate "mother" ship (AP)

AP - The ship, operating off the coast of Oman in the lawless waters of the Gulf of Aden, was crewed by heavily armed men, some carrying rocket-propelled grenade launchers. Behind it were a pair of speedboats — the sort pirates often use when they launch attacks on merchant ships in these violent seas.

Posted in | No Comments »

Britney Spears is somehow meeting men

Britney Spears, despite being legally insane, went out on a date last night with a mystery man at Sur in Los Angeles. This has to be a kick in the birth canal for all the sane women out there who know that children aren’t an end table for your cellphone yet still can’t find a man. Ladies, I’m here for you - provided you don’t try to change me and make me wear pants. Can’t you just love me for who I am? *sniff* I’m going to my mother’s.

Posted in , | No Comments »

Paris Hilton & Stavros Niarchos: Reunited and it feels so good (Except for the peeing)

I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:

Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”

I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)

Posted in , | No Comments »

Paris Hilton & Stavros Niarchos: Reunited and it feels so good (Except for the peeing)

I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:

Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”

I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)

Posted in , | No Comments »

Eva Longoria flashes her Spanx

Eva Longoria flashed her Spanx outside of Beso last night. For those of you who don’t wear a pair everyday like The Geekologie Writer, from Wikipedia:

SPANX, Inc. is a U.S. company which mainly manufactures footless pantyhose and other undergarments for women, particularly “body shaping” undergarments designed to give the wearer a slim and shapely appearance. The company’s products are supposedly marketed to fit contemporary female lifestyles and fashion trends.

For those of you wondering what shape Eva Longoria would be if she didn’t wear Spanx, my money’s on rhombus. Or octagon. It’s a toss-up.

Posted in , | No Comments »

Pirate riches turning Somali villages into boomtowns (AP)

AP - Somalia’s increasingly brazen pirates are building sprawling stone houses, cruising in luxury cars, marrying beautiful women — even hiring caterers to prepare Western-style food for their hostages.

Posted in | No Comments »

Australia honors 645 sailors lost in WWII sinking (AP)

AP - Tearful relatives of sailors lost in a World War II sea battle threw flowers into the sea on Wednesday as Australia marked the 67th anniversary of the sinking of the HMAS Sydney — the first since the ship was found on the ocean floor after decades of mystery.

Posted in | No Comments »